I wanted to feel nothing when Lynn said the kiss was a mistake, wanted to agree with her completely. But I couldn’t help but the feel the pang of sadness that came with the statement. ‘Mistake’ is such an ugly word.

“Hey, you still there?” Lynn said while shaking my arm. She slowly let it go and it dropped to my side.

I took a moment to regain my composure. “Yeah. No, that’s fine. A mistake, I get it.”

“Alyx, don’t do that.”

“Do what?”

“Just dismiss what I said.”

“I’m not dismissing it, I’m agreeing with you. What’s the problem?” I could hear the increasing volume in my voice.

“I wasn’t saying it to hurt you. I just needed you to know–”

“Know what? I get it, okay? You love me but you can’t be with me. It’s the story of my fucking life. You and Kaila, you’re all the same. Gay, straight, straight-gay. Whatever.” I felt myself retreating into adolescence, reliving every moment and feeling of frustration. I had to stop myself, before I exploded at Lynn like I did to my mom.

“Would you, please, get over yourself?” Lynn retorted. “It’s not always about you, Alyx. Actually, this time, it’s about me. All about me.”

I stared at her, a little taken aback.

“I get it too.” Lynn continued. “A lot of shit has gone down in your life. But my dad died too, and you know, you just deal with it…”

“He didn’t die. He killed himself.” I said bluntly, though I knew what Lynn was trying to do. Help me get my head out of my ass. “So, I’m sorry if it’s a little harder for me to just ‘deal with it.’ And I’m sorry you think kissing me was a bad idea. It’s not like I had any idea how you felt about me until Kaila told me. And it’s not like I had any idea how I felt about you until you said it was a mistake and all of a sudden I’m thinking, was it? It’s fucked up, I know.”

Lynn wasn’t looking at me anymore. I followed her gaze to see my mother staring at us from the porch. Her mouth slightly agape. When she realized we noticed her she looked embarrassed and quickly ran back inside.

And all I could think was, Merry Christmas.

“Ah, Alyxia, you gained some weight. You should go on diet.” My distant, distant, aunt spoke smiling at me. She put her arms out and measured my waist. I stopped feeling so guilty. Despite their good intentions, my family had always had an image of me that was very, very wrong.

And none of them ever talked about my dad again after the funeral. They were too ashamed that someone in their family would commit suicide. They had this image of themselves they wanted to uphold, a clean record with no spots of weaknesses or abnormalities.

“You should eat more vegetables.” The aunt kept speaking.

“No offense, but I’m going to eat whatever the hell I want to eat.” I said and walked away from her. I knew she would stand there for a few moments, shocked at my rudeness, but then quickly brush it off. She would have no need to cause a scene here.

I stepped into the kitchen where my mom was still preparing food.

“I think we have enough egg rolls.” I said, leaning against the counter. The smile on her face faded slightly. She picked up another rolled eggroll and placed it in the pan. It fizzled and fried until it became a delicious golden brown.

“Mom are you going to avoid me all night?” I kept at her.

“Avoiding? I’m right here next to you.” She responded, keeping her attention on the egg rolls.

“I mean, pretending you’re not mad at me.”

“I’m not.”

“Stop it. Just…be mad, yell at me.”

She paused her cooking and looked up at me, tongs in hand. “It’s Christmas, Alyx. Why are you doing this?”

I looked at her, something in her voice was different. Things were becoming more serious now, she wouldn’t forgive me so easily this time.

I couldn’t answer her and turned to leave. I made my way through the crowd, casually smiling and waving to a few cousins I remembered hating as a child because they constantly teased me. We were all grown now and acted civil to each other, but that’s about as far as those relationships would go.

Outside the cold was welcoming, quiet, calming. I ducked around into the back corner and quickly pulled out a cigarette. I hadn’t smoked in two days and pondered if this was why I had been so moody. That would be unfortunate.

“Those things give you cancer, you know.” Lynn’s voice echoed into the dark. I searched around and saw her approaching me.

“Lynn. Hey. What are you doing here?” I took one last quick drag before putting out the cigarette. It was only half done.

“I just wanted to stop by. Here.” She held out a small tray wrapped in aluminum foil. “I told my mom I was coming here and she gave me some egg rolls to bring over.”

I laughed. “I think we have plenty of those, but thanks.” I took them from her.

“Taking a break from the festivities?” She asked me as we continued to stand in the dark cold.

“Yeah, a break from my family mostly. I don’t know where they all come from every year. I never hear from them until the holidays, like they’re hiding under rocks until it’s feeding time. How’s your mom?” I asked Lynn, attempting to see how long we could go with casual conversation.

“She’s good. She usually gets a little sad around this time, but I think it helps that I’m home.”

“That’s good.”

“Yeah.”

A let out a breath and watched the cold air float out, almost like cigarette smoke but not quite as satisfying.

“You know you can smoke, I don’t care.” Lynn said finally.

I eyed her and pulled out another cigarette slowly, placing it in my mouth. I lifted the lighter up to it. “Are you sure?” I said, the lighter ready.

Lynn nodded and looked at me. Something in her eyes were a little more serious as well. It seemed like everyone was throwing the guilty eyes out tonight. I lowered the lighter and put the cigarette back.

“It’s not worth you looking at me with your judgmental eyes the whole time.” I said jokingly.

“I’m not doing that!” Lynn said, finally cracking a smile. “They’re your lungs.”

“Yeah, yeah. We should get inside, you look cold.” I started making my way to the front when Lynn grabbed my arm.

“Wait. I’m not cold. And we need to talk.”

“You couldn’t let me get away with avoiding this all night, could you?”

“No, of course not.”

I sighed and turned back to her. She still hadn’t let go of my arm.
“All right then. Let us talk.”

Lynn paused, searching for the right words. I could tell she had probably rehearsed some kind of speech to say to me, but now that the moment was actually here, none of it seemed to work anymore.

“Kissing you…” She finally started saying. “…was a mistake.”

Had I been so selfish as to not recognize the fact that she has been here the whole time? Why couldn’t I be angry at dad? I accepted his choice to commit suicide, I think, because he accepted me just the way as I was.

Now I wonder if it’s because he spent most of his life just accepting situations and circumstances. Never bothering to strive for more or change when anything bothered him. He just let everything pass by, let everything settle and fall. This made him the most patient man I had ever met, but also the least ambitious. Not to mention how depressed he was, most of the time. I had told myself I loved him so much more than I did mom, but I suppose I had to accept that he wasn’t perfect. And I also had to accept that I had been an asshole this whole time to my mother.

In the morning, Christmas eve, the day of our Christmas extravaganza, my mother had slapped on a smile and acted as though our argument had not happened. I attempted to apologize, but she kept me busy with cleaning and she kept herself busy with cooking.

It was strange. All of a sudden I wanted to talk to her, and she was having none of it.

“I’m just tired.” I told her, hoping that would get her to leave me alone. It still felt weird to be there, like I was just a visitor, passing by.

“Tired, tired. You’re always tired. You should take more vitamins.” She said, placing a tray of food in the fridge.

“Don’t worry, mom. I can take care of myself.” I responded and already I could hear the irritation in my voice. I’m not sure why, I was so ungrateful. The moment she started acting like a mother to me, I immediately turned on her. And we would go back to how things were when I did live at home.

“Why do you act like that?”

“Like what?”

“Just…like you’re dad. Like you’re so independent you don’t need anybody to help you with anything. Like you already know everything.” My mother spoke, her voice getting higher in pitch. This is how I knew she was going to lose it soon.

“Don’t bring dad into this.” I snapped back, becoming incredibly defensive.

“No, Alyx. We have to talk now, okay? I don’t want you to end up like your dad.”

I stared at her in disbelief, not knowing what to say in response. The water still ran from the faucet and soon I could feel a burning on my hand. The water was becoming increasingly hot. I finally moved my hand away and turned the faucet off.

“Your dad didn’t want to talk to me. He kept everything inside and then…” She paused, trying to keep it together. “You can’t do that Alyx. You have to talk about your feelings, so that I can help you.”

“And what makes you think you can help me, mom?” I tried to leave the kitchen, wanting to end it on that bitter note. I stopped myself, realizing that I didn’t want to leave letting my mother think she had won another argument. “Did you ever think that it wasn’t that dad didn’t want to talk to you, but that he couldn’t? That you wouldn’t accept the way he was, you wouldn’t even try to help.”

“What are you talking about?”

“He was depressed! I couldn’t put a name to it back then, but he was so damn depressed. And you ignored it. You just expected him to slap on a smile and do as he’s supposed to do. Play the role of the father, of the man of the house. And he just needed help, why didn’t you help him?” I was spewing words I hadn’t realized were inside me. I realized then that I had started crying.

My mother looked at me, stern, tight lipped. She was becoming increasingly upset, in a different way. Her eyes narrowed and when she spoke, her tone was completely serious and not at all desperate.

“Your dad had many problems. I knew this when I met him and when I married him. You think I didn’t try to help. You think it was my fault?”

“No, mom, I didn’t say that–”

“What your dad did was selfish. I don’t care what you think of me because I said that. But it is the truth, Alyx. I know I’m not perfect, but I didn’t leave this family.” She turned her back to me, started occupying herself with rustling about the kitchen.

“Then what about me? Can you accept yet that I’m gay? Or is that also selfish?” I wiped the tears from my face. Every part of my will was fighting against crying, but it seemed out of my control.

There was nothing left to say, so I turned and left the kitchen. A part of me regretted everything that had just occurred. I thought about how my mother only wanted me home for the holidays, and I could have easily let everything slide and allowed for a pleasant family reunion. Yet somehow the logical side, or the calmer side, always managed to escape me once I got home. I felt like a kid again. Confused, angry, frightened and missing her father.

The last girl I kissed was Suzy and I couldn’t help but compare the experience. I realized that Lynn was someone who cared deeply for me, who had cared for all these years. But what did that mean for how I felt. Was it enough? I had to ask myself, and felt slightly terrible for doing so.

Lynn asked me about Suzy once. As I recall she was quite supportive of the relationship.

“She’s great, Alyx. I mean, really. How’d you manage to get her?” She said jokingly while sharing a pitcher.

“I have no idea.” I said honestly. “You really like her?”

“Yeah. I mean, she’s very charming. Draws you right in. I can see how she managed to get you.” Lynn refilled her glass and mine.

It took some time and a lot more refills of beer in order to get up the nerve to tell Lynn that after a few months of total bliss, Suzy and I seemed to be falling apart.

“She’s like a butterfly.” I said suddenly.

Lynn looked at me, confused. “A butterfly? That’s a little cheesy, Al.”

“I just mean, you know, when you’re just admiring butterflies as they flutter about, they’re beautiful. Everyone loves butterflies.” I took another swig. “But then if you’re the one trying to catch the butterfly, you realize how difficult it is to get your hands on them. You get frustrated when you think you can’t hold onto them because…they don’t want to be caught. They’re at their best when they have the freedom to flap those intricately decorated wings. And the catcher is left infatuated, possibly even going a little mad because they can’t help but chase that butterfly. Or…or I’m just really drunk.”

Lynn was quiet for a while, at the time I thought she was just too drunk herself to reply. And that when she looked at me so intently it was pity. It wasn’t though. It was her own frustration, that everything I was feeling was probably what she had been feeling, all these years. And yet she couldn’t express herself. She could only order another pitcher.

I wish she had said something back then. And I really wish she didn’t order that third pitcher.

Kaila reached out and grabbed the present from me. She looked at it and then looked at me.

“You’re kidding me, right? You know the toy itself is for a seven year old, but you don’t have to wrap it like one.” She started undoing my piece, ripping it a part and starting over. I didn’t try to stop her.

“You’re lucky your mom went to buy more wrapping paper, at the rate you’re going.” Kaila teased.

“If you’re trying to belittle me by putting down my wrapping skills, it won’t work.” I jabbed back. It was nice talking to Kaila like this. It felt normal.

“Your mom really went all out this year. Is your family coming here?” Kaila asked while correctly wrapping the action figure.

I nodded. “The whole clan. It’s going to be…quite the experience. I may need to buy a flask to sneak away with.”

Kaila stopped wrapping and looked at me. “You’re joking, right?”

“Well, sort of. I mean, yes. I’m joking.” I straightened in my seat. “Wait, why? What’s the big deal?”

“Alyx, you can’t just drink your problems away, you fucking lush.”

“I’m not a lush. I’m not an alcoholic, so calm down.” I said, half-believing in my own words.

“It’s just the craziest thing to me, to hear you talking about flasks and drinking. To hear about you drinking so much you crashed into a tree.” Kaila talked furiously, while continuing to wrap gifts.

“Are you going to keep bringing that up? I mean, are you trying to remind me that I ran into a tree? Because don’t worry, despite having fallen unconscious, I remember it.” I scooted my chair back with my foot.

“I’m just worried about you. That’s all.”

“Well, don’t.” I looked away from Kaila. “You sound like my mom. Everybody’s always so fucking worried about me.”

“It’s because we care, obviously. Don’t be so stubborn that you won’t allow yourself to see that.” Kaila spoke, maintaining a calmness.

A silence passed between us. Kaila pushed aside the rest of the gifts. We had run out of wrapping paper.

“You know it hasn’t been easy for me either.” I finally spoke, looking directly at Kaila this time.

She turned in her seat to look at me, a small smile on her face.

“Do you know I’ve been in love with you all these years?” I finally blurted out. Immediately I felt the relief.

“I know.” Kaila spoke softly.

“Do you know Lynn kissed me when I dropped her off?” I continued to speak candidly.

“I know.” Kaila said again.

“Do you know how emotionally draining all this shit is?”

Kaila nodded slowly. “I know.”

I paused a moment, making sure I was ready to ask this next question. “Have you ever loved me?”

“I thought I could. I tried to.” Kaila took in a breath. “But I can’t. I’m sorry.”

I looked at Kaila and returned her small smile. “I know.”

He was no chef, and his concoctions consisted of throwing a bunch of things into a pot and eating it with rice. My mom teased him constantly. And I never told him or her this, but it was actually one of the best meals I’ve ever had.

Waking up felt surreal. It felt like high school. It felt like I should grab my book bag and get ready for homeroom. Instead I hopped into the shower and took a long one. I knew as soon as I stepped out of this bathroom the day would begin.

My mother was knocking on the door lightly. I sat on the toilet seat, drying my hair. I looked around the bathroom, taking everything in. She had the place remodeled a few weeks after dad’s death. It was still slightly creepy to be in there.

“Everything okay, cong?” She said through the door.

“Yeah, mom. I’ll be out in a little bit.” I answered back, trying to keep my tone normal, upbeat.

“When you get out, you can help me finish wrapping the gifts.” She said as she turned to leave. I could hear her tiny feet scramble down the stairs.

I’m not sure how much longer I stayed in that bathroom, but I stalled for as long as I could. When I finally stepped outside I was surprised to see Kaila standing there.

“We need to talk.” She said, her voice low and serious.

“Uh..I have to go wrap gifts.” I said, almost immediately.

“Then we’ll wrap gifts and talk.” Kaila turned to go downstairs.

“Ai, shit.” I said and sighed. I looked at the bathroom and contemplated going back in, hiding out there for the rest of the day.

Perhaps it wouldn’t be that bad. Kaila wouldn’t ask me about Lynn in front of my mother. I hoped.

I suddenly felt like I was twelve again, or five, or seventeen.

She smiled and squeezed me tight, tears forming in the corners of her eyes. I reached my arms around her and held onto her, wanting to feel what she was feeling. Wanting this idea of coming home to make up for the tumultuous car ride.

But when I closed my eyes and squeezed her, I missed my father so much that I had to pull away.

“Hey, mom. It’s nice to see you.” I said, quickly trying to shake this feeling.

My mother clasped her hands together and took a nice, long look at me.

“Did you gain weight?” Were the first words out of her mouth.

I couldn’t help but start laughing hysterically.