ch. 49
Moments are strange. They are, by definition, short intervals of time. And yet, hold the power to change your life indefinitely.
I wanted to feel nothing when Lynn said the kiss was a mistake, wanted to agree with her completely. But I couldn’t help but the feel the pang of sadness that came with the statement. ‘Mistake’ is such an ugly word.
“Hey, you still there?” Lynn said while shaking my arm. She slowly let it go and it dropped to my side.
I took a moment to regain my composure. “Yeah. No, that’s fine. A mistake, I get it.”
“Alyx, don’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“Just dismiss what I said.”
“I’m not dismissing it, I’m agreeing with you. What’s the problem?” I could hear the increasing volume in my voice.
“I wasn’t saying it to hurt you. I just needed you to know–”
“Know what? I get it, okay? You love me but you can’t be with me. It’s the story of my fucking life. You and Kaila, you’re all the same. Gay, straight, straight-gay. Whatever.” I felt myself retreating into adolescence, reliving every moment and feeling of frustration. I had to stop myself, before I exploded at Lynn like I did to my mom.
“Would you, please, get over yourself?” Lynn retorted. “It’s not always about you, Alyx. Actually, this time, it’s about me. All about me.”
I stared at her, a little taken aback.
“I get it too.” Lynn continued. “A lot of shit has gone down in your life. But my dad died too, and you know, you just deal with it…”
“He didn’t die. He killed himself.” I said bluntly, though I knew what Lynn was trying to do. Help me get my head out of my ass. “So, I’m sorry if it’s a little harder for me to just ‘deal with it.’ And I’m sorry you think kissing me was a bad idea. It’s not like I had any idea how you felt about me until Kaila told me. And it’s not like I had any idea how I felt about you until you said it was a mistake and all of a sudden I’m thinking, was it? It’s fucked up, I know.”
Lynn wasn’t looking at me anymore. I followed her gaze to see my mother staring at us from the porch. Her mouth slightly agape. When she realized we noticed her she looked embarrassed and quickly ran back inside.
And all I could think was, Merry Christmas.
Filed under: novel | Leave a Comment
Tags: novel, the undeniables
No Responses Yet to “ch. 49”